letting go.

I had great plans. I had great plans for this Christmas season. I was going to do things with the kids, take them places to warm up their holiday spirit. I spent the end of the November creating an advent calendar filled with fun and festive things to do.

And then life happened.

We made it through week one and did everything as it came to us. We had pizza night, a sleepover, made gingerbread houses and decorated our tree. And then slowly, one by one, everyone in our house caught a cold/flu bug that just lingered around and is lingering still. Suddenly all my good plans went out the window. Every morning the kids still excitedly read the advent card but suddenly there was me, explaining why we weren’t able to do that activity this time. Days went by and we did nothing on the list. Handmade presents got put aside not to be completed.

I was wrought with guilt.

Somewhere along the way though, my kids taught me something. Something important. They never minded we didn’t do the activity listed in the calendar, they were just excited to have something to count down each day. It was the feeling that created the excitement not the activity.

So now, as I head into the most low key and simple holiday season we have had to date as a family, I am happy. I have let go of all my expectations of what I thought this holiday WOULD be and am embracing what it is. The handmade presents may not get sent until well into the new year but that is o.k. It was only my own expectations on myself that was creating stress and disappointment. Once I let that go, everything shone a little brighter.

We are all together right now, in our cozy and comfy clothes (with an extra blanket or two) watching Smurfs and just hanging out. There may not be cookies baking or fancily wrapped presents under the tree, but there is love. And family.

And that is all I wanted for Christmas anyway.

Hope you have a VERY merry holiday.

change the way you see

To be honest, this has been a big struggle for me lately. I think when the weather gets colder and gray, I tend to get down in the dumps more often then not. It could be seasonal disorder. It could be lack of vitamin D (all things I am addressing). But it could just be feeling less active. And the thing is, I love many aspects of winter. I love lamps and warm lights on when it is dark outside in the morning. I love hot drinks and any excuse to have them. I love rich and savoury slow cooked meals. I love sweaters and scarves and mittens.

And yet, there is something I don’t like right now. I don’t like the way I talk to myself. I don’t like the way I “see” myself. I struggle daily to allow myself imperfections and flaws. I know I have them. We all have them. It’s what makes us interesting. So why aren’t we “allow”ing ourselves to have them?

So I am trying to adjust the way I see. I am trying to look inwards and not outwards. To forgive myself for… for what? For not looking like a supermodel while making lots of money and/or raising perfectly stable kids in one tiny footprint ALL AT THE SAME TIME??? Why do I need to forgive myself? That sounds so ridiculous when it is written out in black and white. And it IS ridiculous. But it is what I feel like I am doing. Forgiving myself. For not being…

I need to change the way I see.

And allow myself to be.